(misandry: ingrained hatred of and prejudice against men)

BACK STORY: We have seen a few posts about the rise of misandry from a man who makes content on mental health and relationships, for men specifically. This was surprising. Reading the comments further prompted this post.

Two important points to start with: To try to address misandry in a vacuum is to ignore the soil that it grows out of. True misandry (will elaborate more in point two) is a direct response to trying to survive in the hostile soil of misogyny. This is a similar problem to how white people want to talk about “reverse racism”. Without deeply understanding, deconstructing misogyny and rebuilding a pro-female world, you cannot look at misandry as a stand-alone issue. It’s intellectually dishonest, and further evidence of the abusive nature of misogyny at play. The other “misandry” that people often refer to is simply accountability. Accountability is not misandry.

It is nearly impossible to show that the examples of “misandry” that people point to are ACTUALLY misandry. If a woman has not experienced abuse or harm at the hands of men, has had robust opportunities for safe, healthy relationships with men, equal pay, is part of communities that are genuinely pro-female, ect ect…her hatred of men *might* not be the reaction to her oppression, and the oppression of females around her. But for MOST of us, what some would call “misandry” IS merely a response to our lived experience.

The thought that maybe her “hatred of men” is coming out strongly, (possibly more strongly than anyone of us might align with), is IRRELEVANT. We are no where NEAR the time where it would be appropriate to critique women’s response to their oppression. Move on from that particular voice critiquing men if you can’t stomach it, and focus on THE ACTUAL ISSUE. The patriarchy and all its support beams.

“If you’re angry as a woman the first response is going to be mockery or belittlement, which is kind of a form of infantilization, which ultimately means that you need to be governed. The anger that many of us feel is in fact the most rationale response to the situation we find ourselves in. And it’s not an anger of resentment or contempt, but an anger of hope and compassion.” Soraya Chemaly

It is profoundly disillusioning to see men complain about women’s mistrust, resistance and “impossible standards” they have for men. When you understand how the states of protection of the nervous system work, you would actually APPLAUD that women are finally, as a collective, shifting out of states of fawning (trying to “earn” safety) and into states of protection that are well-suited to the actual threat (fighting, fleeing).

The world is not, and never has been generally safe to be a women in.

• Women are most likely to be killed by their partner
• 3 women are killed by their intimate partner in US daily‌
• Over half of US women have experienced sexual violence
• 1 in 3 women has experienced domestic violence by partner
• 4 out of every 5 stalking victims are female
• Nearly 90% of pornography showcases violence
• Women are 4x more likely to get autoimmune disease
• Women are 6x more likely to be divorced from after a chronic illness diagnosis
• Women still make 22% less money for the same position with same education
• 60% of women have experienced unwanted sexual attention, sexual coercion, sexist comments, or sexually crude conduct in the workplace
• 72% or congress is male
• 95% of CEOs are male

Men, before you’ve jumped to address misandry, have you read any of these books listed below? 1 of these books? Other books on the history and current context of being female in this world? Do you follow feminist creators and activist to try to understand the scope of the issue? Because these stats are just scratching the surface of the depth and breadth of this problem. Some recommendations:

• Rage Becomes Her
• Cassandra Speaks
• The Girls Who Went Away
• The Women They Could Not Silence
• Entitled Men Who Hate Women
• Invisible Women
• Not That Bad
• The Will to Change…..

The homeostasis of the collective is shifting as the number of women willing to tolerate and bow to the partriachy decreases- which undoubtably is very dysregulating to the men around us. We’ve all been “used” to it being this way from the get-go, It’s just that it’s been benefitting men and nearly destroying women. Please recognize the pain is worth it, as the shift out of this damaging dynamic is ESSENTIAL for the possible future flourishing of relationships, families and society.

Instead of sitting with the discomfort of the shame and anger that may arise as this shift is happening… men are responding with wanting to talk about misandry. Can you see how profoundly tone-deaf that is at a time like this? I don’t doubt there are good motives for some who want to talk about misandry. It is a much more complicated social world out there for men to learn to navigate, and can be really difficult on men’s mental health if they don’t feel equipped to do so. This lack of internal resourcing often leads to radicalization into toxic masculinity tribes, or the “manosphere”. Our biggest concern with trying to have a nuanced public conversation on the impact of “misandry”, is that there may be 1 guy that would actually find insight and healthy empowerment through a conversation on misandry, and another 99 who TAKE IT AND RUN like hell in the opposite direction. They will feast on the idea that men have become the victims, and the malignancy of partriarchy will grow stronger and stronger in their misinformed bodies, that are already emaciated by a life shaped by it.

To summarize. Misandry is not the concern. Not by a long shot. Once substantial gains have been made across the board and society is no longer shaped by the soil of misogyny, women will be safe enough to begin to repair the “misandry” that may have developed in some. Until then- the job is on you men. When I was first learning about racism this was the most refreshingly shocking idea I heard: white supremacy wasn’t created by people of color, and it’s not their job to dismantle it. Same with misogyny. Pick up your shovels men. It’s time to get to work.